There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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