this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
