I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
