My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
