i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You ruined the universe
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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