Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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