so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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