i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
