i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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