The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
