I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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