im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
