"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I touched a dick in church today
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
