I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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