Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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