Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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