i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
