It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
