They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
