I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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