I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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