i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
