I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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