can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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