1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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