dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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