when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
