get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
