Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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