I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
