If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
50% drunk capacity currently
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
