Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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