a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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