Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
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