oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
