you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize