I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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