i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
