I think scott just propositioned me for sex
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
