new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
