omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
