i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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