I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
