Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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