You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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