at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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