I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
