Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
