the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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