You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize