the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
