And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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