I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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