you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
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