just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
