Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
