Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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