Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The beer is more important than you right now.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
