i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
My breasts were aching with rage.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
